I have this desire to take my posts down, to undo all that was done. To unfeel what was felt. But I won't. I'm struggling to accept what I feel and am, without editing and revising for my own satisfaction, for my own approval.
Right now, here I'm feeling everything is equal parts death and life. Things are passing too quickly, as though I were the unmoving star of a time-lapse video. I'm living like I should have years ago. I feel behind. I feel too far ahead of everyone else my age. I want to say "I'm sorry I disappoint you by being 26 and not married. Fuck you for thinking I should be." But I don't say it. I never do, instead, I cringe and say "I do hope you're happy!" While knowing they're already not.
I fall in love too easily, my heart pours itself out to every waiting ear, giving up a bit of itself every time, hoping for something back.
And I'm reluctant to even post this.
No comments:
Post a Comment