How Not To Be Alone, Step 1

forget the white flash of the half smile
the hiss of skin on linen
those quotidian pleasures are no longer yours

you trade the mortgage
the company-matched 401(k)
for a small apartment in the city
and trading barbs at a wine bar

and you will walk home to that glistening glass building
heels clicking on the concrete
the sound carrying far on the empty street

The Odds Catching Up

"Our loves are nothing," her voice flitting dangerously high
I nod, and agree
and what I had kept long hidden
twists, sharp, deep in the belly
I reach for the door handle
gagging for air
slipping from the car
my legs disobedient
crumpling to asphalt
and the taste of blood and broken teeth barely occurs to me

I try to whisper

"This was long overdue"

The Dark Hand in the Garden

There is now,
     a dark hand in the garden
chewing sky and earth
to fallow field.

What will we eat, come summer
     if spring's bounty lies churned into loam?

What, then, in winter,
after we have gnawed down the paltry bones of famine?


What fertile soil the next season will bring,
sown with the turned-in crop of the last
and the gift of our bodies
and dust and ash.

The Riptide

the danger is in the struggle,
they say
to fight the sharp edge of the water
cutting across
and always down
"lean in
lean in," she whispers, "and
slip, weightless beneath the dark waters"
You will turn and churn
and churn in a froth of salt and
the cloud of crimson rising
from wounds you could not find before
hoping
having seen the sun-bleached bodies
litter the shore
staring blankly,
the soft flesh of the eye
fallen prey to crabs
and wild dogs

Tired

A friend told me, not long ago, that he was tired. That he was ready for it to make sense, for joy to sidle up or slide away without his sideways glance.

And I am tired. I find myself unable to listen, the dark stalagmites occluding vision eventually kiss the floor.

Iron Creeps Beneath My Skin

I find iron creeps beneath my skin; the subtle pallor of winter wins against whatever limping spring I escaped. I've salted the ground beneath me, sown brittleness made from the lingering hopes kept too close.

I set the compass down; the magnetic center of the earth sure to lead me home. Instead, it spins and spins and spins and what walking and waiting I've done seems to have lead again into the dark wilding wood. And I move from a dark county into a dark country.

I lean

Watching the darkling horizon
straining for the spark
I lean into wind
grasp the crumbling walls
blood and ozone heavy on the tongue

Je ne vais pas l'accepter.

Without stirring, you grasped my hip, anchoring yourself in the rolling sea of my scarlet bed. You brought your chin to rest on my soft shoulder and the soft susurrus of your breath whispered strange poetry.

Would that I could keep that silvery lamplight resting on your face and shoulder.

Un Oceano Sconosciuto

I urge you now; don't choose the difficult one.

Don't choose the one who laughs like bells, wakes you up at midnight to read aloud from the biography of Murasaki Shikibu. Break the thrill of satisfaction that tremors in the heart every time your key clicks home in the lock, but before the sliver of golden light slips from the open door.

For you, I want comfort, the way of softness as easy as falling. It is too late, now, for ideas as sharp as flint arrows. The surprise is a small thing to trade, chose instead the one who is plain and sure. Choose simplicity, as direct as a ripe apple.

She is not for you, that one who sails a faltering ship into the unknown ocean. No, not the one whose voice growls low or honey-sweet. Not the one whose path is littered and dark, fraught with sparks of sun. The one who plans, careful, whose plans are unfurling and uncoiling like flags, rippling into the strange wind that blows you ever towards whatever's next.

There is a girl who does not unfold from a matrix so complex your searching hands might never know it. There is a girl with dreams which do not whisper and hold, a girl who speaks languages you know. Reach for her, now.

I believe in love.

I believe in the three am phone call, the pull of dread and spike of fear growing rancid in the belly. I believe in laughter, skittered across the magic of satellites finding a home with a shy smile somewhere far.

I have thrown my own soul down through love, prayed to imaginary gods for redemption by love. I have torn parts from my most hidden places; I have destroyed what is left in me that still might be worth saving. I have built up riches, my heart bursting with a treasury of love still unspent. I have traveled far but the city of lights flickering on the horizon seems to grow no closer, and this is occasionally a dark, dark country.

But still I head out along a wildering way.